(02/13/2009)

Ruby and Zukie have been around for a while—long enough to go to college, travel the world, get married, endure the poorhouse, try out different careers, have kids, buy houses, mow lawns, make some money, dabble in business, create some art, and drink lots of wine. Where else can you find straight up, highly confidential, ultra cheap (free) and completely unqualified advice* from two girlfriends who have absolutely no vested interest in impressing you? And, if we hurt your feelings a little in the process…well, you won’t run into us any time soon. Our solutions come from loads of personal experience (aka huge successes and gigantic mistakes).

*We won’t even begin to pretend to be as good as your psychiatrist, counselor, hair stylist, nail tech, or anyone else you regularly unload on, but we’ll never tell and they just might.

Dear Girlfriends: I’m ready to propose to my girlfriend of two years and am wondering...do women like big proposals or should I keep it small and intimate? Also, I feel so good about it, and I’d like to ask her soon, but is it cliché to ask her on Valentine’s Day? Romeo in NY

Zukie here…Romeo, I am so excited for you!!! I love the rush that comes with an engagement. Then, the what-did-I-just-agree-to feeling slips in, but it’s quickly replaced by “OMG, I’m getting married!!!!” And the ring…a gorgeous, dazzling diamond surrounded by—more diamonds. Oh, right. This isn’t about me. So sorry. Anyway, since you’ve been together for two years, you should know her pretty well by now. Is she flamboyant, painfully shy, outgoing, or conservative? How has she reacted to other people’s engagements? If she’s a background kind of girl, then she’d probably be mortified when the Mariachi Band strolls into the ski lodge playing “Si Nos Dejan,” (while the rest of the ski patrons become rather irritated because you’ve managed to save four whole tables for friends and family at lunchtime). In that case, a more intimate setting would be in order. On the flipside, if she’s a true extrovert then go for it—book the band! And you don’t need to have a ring to propose. It’s one of those tricky things. If she’s already dragged you past every jeweler’s window in town pointing out which rings she adores, then you’re safe. However, if she’s kind of picky, you may want to wait. She’ll enjoy picking it out later with you. And, Valentine’s Day is fine for a marriage proposal. All the bridal fairs are this time of year, so you can get a jump start on your wedding plans.

Ruby here…Heeeeeeey Romeo. Congratulations! OK, I’m with Zukie on all of the above with an added thought. And, yes, it’s a little practical, which is usually Zukie’s job, but she’s all cloud nine about weddings, so here goes. Are you absolutely, utterly, positive she’s going to say yes? Yes? Great! Then if she’s up for a thrill, go for it. Write it in the sky. Buy a billboard. Grab the microphone. But on the other hand, there are ways to do it big but still keep it intimate so she has a little reaction room. Hire a private chef. Rent a movie theater. Set up a winter picnic. About the ring thing…I loved the way my husband asked me. There was no question he was going to ask—we were already naming the kids. So, knowing I’m creative, he took me ring shopping with him one Saturday morning and I designed the ring of my dreams. And then I waited, and waited, and waited. There was no question he was going to ask me, and the suspense of when and how was really fun. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say the actual down-on-one-knee was on the big-but-intimate side of the scale. Good luck, Romeo! And remember, we do so looooove weddings and you can send our invites care of this paper.

Dear Girlfriends: I’m a 29-year-old single guy, living with my parents, and I think I’ve found my dream woman. I’d like to propose to her but the problem is she’s very religious and she told me she couldn’t go out with me unless I converted to her religion. We’ve been dating for a few weeks and I think she’s the “one,” so I’m converting for her. Now the minister is telling me I can’t drink with the guys, swear or get lap dances anymore. They also want me to donate to the church. I don’t make a lot of money and am finding that dating is expensive. My girlfriend really listens to her minister’s advice, but I’m not sure I can follow all these new rules. How do I keep my woman without making her minister mad at me? Baptized in Montgomery

Zukie here…There’s so much wrong with what you just said that I have no idea where to even begin. This reads like a Letterman’s Top 10 List.

1. You’re how old and still living with your parents? It’s time to sever the cord, honey.
2. You’ve know this woman for how long? I do believe in love at first sight, but then you slow down to make sure it wasn’t the beer goggles talking.
3. You really should have spoken with the minister before you converted. Religion is serious business for many people and should be respected.
4. Lap dances are out once you’re in a relationship. No further explanation needed.

If she really is the “one,” giving up lap dances and drinking with the guys shouldn’t be too difficult. And frankly, it sounds like you could use a little religion.

Ruby here…<ahem> What she said.

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