Travel Torment
By Eva Potter

My best friend sent out a blanket email last week. “Does anyone have a portable DVD player we can borrow for spring break? I thought I had my hands on one, but I guess it’s not working. Thanks!”
She and her husband were embarking on an adventurous two-day drive from New York to Florida with their three adorable little girls-all under seven, including a baby. (They’re either gluttons for punishment or super great, heavily-medicated parents.)

I cleverly proposed, “Just an idea, but why don’t you use your laptop?” With a much larger viewing screen than those dinky portable units, the girls could watch their movies easily, and they could play games and listen to music, too. This time-tested travel tip worked quite successfully on trips with our two teenagers, so I was confident it would work for them.

Her quick-witted response arrived two minutes later. “Can I borrow yours? There are no worries at all with a laptop with a five year old for two days straight in a car with markers, snacks, drinks, gum, candy, and perhaps puke.”

Hmmm...looks like I’ve been suffering from an advanced case of parenting amnesia. Apparently, I’ve successfully managed to block these traumatic memories for years now. Please don’t make me go there again.

I quickly shot back my reply. “You want to borrow my laptop? Hahahaha...you have the best sense of humor! Can you buy a keyboard protector? Yeah, bad idea, too.”

You know, these days kids can’t ride in a car longer than five minutes without some piece of brain-altering hardware like an iPod hanging from their bodies (I think the ear buds just live in there). Their young minds require constant entertainment involving loud thumping music, scary movies, and high-action games. Heaven forbid we suggest reading a book or singing show tunes!

Hey, did you also know that kids have absolutely no trouble watching the same movie over and over and over...well, you get the drift. Pediatric neurobiologists have obviously left a gaping hole in their research. They really need to get on this, because patience can only stretch so far...on a road trip...trapped together...for hours upon hours...days upon days. It’s a recipe for certain disaster. Then, just seconds before these stressed-out parents reach for their emergency stash of Xanax, they manage to pull in the reins and with über fake enthusiasm fling their idea to the backseat, “Hey guys, we have a great idea! You have 15 bazillion DVDs in your backpack. Let’s pick a different one to watch now.”

So, there’s one tiny little detail I didn’t tell my friend (as guilt and remorse consumed me). I do own a portable DVD player. Even though the screen goes black at unpredictable moments, I still couldn’t chance it. I never heard if she found one to borrow.

Ironically, it turns out her predictions were dead-on...there were several puking incidents, all before they even left town. Bon voyage and good luck! Looks like you’re going to need it.
(Eva Potter is endlessly entertained by life and can be reached at potterprose@gmail.com.)